People say blue eyes are cold and icy. His aren’t, they’re warm and deep. They smile and twinkle, I know eyes can’t smile but his do. I swear it. Funny, but fans always like my green ones better, I don’t know why. I suppose his are hard to see behind the glasses, I keep saying “Get contacts” but he just laughs and laughs. Sometimes I think he hides behind them, but then we all have our secrets.
The first time I met him I was amazed, I don’t think I’ve ever been speechless but I was. It’s all Eero’s fault, he saw him selling t-shirts and brought him along. I think he wanted someone for me to flirt with, he had his the girlfriend, now wife and Pauli had his. But when he mentioned drumming Eero switched into another person. Before I knew it we had a drummer again, why it had to be him I don’t know but Eero was right. He had something, he had a spark. Oh god I’m quoting my own songs now, not good. Why I couldn’t contain myself for three minutes I don’t know but I think I’ve wrecked it.
I think I’ve destroyed the band.



A month ago

“Get your butt in gear Lauri.”
Eero’s voice rang about the bathroom and I groaned. Being the singer in a band was hard enough, but oh no I had to wear make up as well.
“Bugger off Eero.”
“Aww you two had a fight?”
I jumped in the air smearing black eye shadow over my cheek as Aki appeared behind him.
“Hattu, thanks a lot.”
He grinned and carefully removed the eye shadow.
“Here let me do it.” Aki picked up the pot and turned my face towards him, scanning it quickly. He picked up the brush and quickly finished off the make-up.
“Volia.” He turned him back to the mirror grinning.
“Wow.” He studied my face, evidently pleased at the shadows round my eyes.
“Aki?”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t breath.”
He jumped and removed his arms from round my neck smirking slightly, I took some exaggerated breaths and pushed him outta the bathroom.
“Hey!”
“I’m getting changed so unless you want to watch….”
Aki smirked and chuckled,
“How’d you know I don’t.” He relented though and closed the door behind him.
“Why does he have to flirt with me?” I said desperately, my stomach was churning in anticipation. Today, today was when we going to play reading,

I never told the guys about my fears, my nightmares. I knew something was going to happen, The air was all tense if that makes sense. As we strolled onto stage to boos and jeers I gasped. Normally there were screams and cheers, then again they were audiences filled with girls. Not full grown men. Drunk full grown men. I caught Aki’s worried face and smiled trying to reassure him but he simply sat down breathing deeply. As soon as I started to sing, the boos intensified, Pauli’s guitar broke and he left to get a new one. For some reason we decided to play “Guilty” without him. It was pretty bad, I’ll admit it. But fans would still love it and they were not fans, then I saw the “Burn the rasmus” banner and the smaller “Burn the Lauri” one and I felt sick. The jeers became frantic swearing gestures and the boos, bottles. One headed straight for me but I ducked then saw one fly over my head. I forgot about it then heard a strangled yell and a thump behind me. I listening to the music, something wasn’t right……the drums were……Oh god, I turned round so quickly almost crying as I realised he wasn’t there, or rather he was but behind it. I shook my head at Eero and we went off after only two songs following Aki quickly.

The bottle had hit it‘s target, Aki. His eye was purple and swollen, I mourned the loss of it seeing only one of them and felt instantly guilty. I was thinking about myself again.
“It’s worse than it looks, really Lauri I’m okay.” He smiled then winced as it moved his eye. He pressed the ice pack back onto it. I shook my head as the tent billowed around us, the fabric walls were closing in on me I had to get out.
“Just need some air,”
“I saw it.”
Quickly spinning round I frowned slightly. “What?”
“I saw the “Burn Lauri” sign, I knew that’s why you are upset. Don’t take any notice of them Lintu.”
I smiled at the mention of my nickname and nodded slightly, I was upset cause he was hurt, like he’d ever guess that. If only I’d stayed in that stupid tent, a few seconds more would’ve worked. But no I didn’t.

“Nice aim, mate.”
“I wasn’t aiming for him but that pansy singer. Did you see his face when I hit the drummer, god I thought he was going to cry.”
The words burned me and I rounded the corner to see who was talking. I recognized them from the concert and walked slowly up to them. After they’d finished insulting me they moved onto the food. I walked up to him and stood with my arms crossed.
“And here he is, short-arse move out of my way.” His breath stunk of alcohol.”
“You threw the bottle?”
He blinked then grinned, “Yeah. Proud of it.”
“You hit my friends.”
“Like I give one.”
“Maybe, but if you hit my friends, “ I paused and stood as tall as I could, “I hit you.” I smiled as I pulled my fist back and sent him sprawling on the grass. I don’t know why I didn’t restrain myself, too late now. I leapt on him like a lunatic and kept on punching until string arms pulled me away. I struggled but they held me tight, I looked back and saw Aki’s serious face looking at me. I shook my head and then looked at the friends of Aki’s attacker. A fist came towards my face and it all went black.

I blinked once then moved my jaw experimentally. It was so sore I thought I’d dislocated it. I felt someone holding my hand and sat up. I was in some hospital and Aki was sitting next to me asleep, still tightly clutching my hand. I brushed the hair out of his eyes then went to stand.
“Aah!” The pain shot through my side and I sat again.
“Don’t move!” Aki sat up and pushed me down again. He grinned and sat down tucking me in.
“What?” I pulled the cover away slightly.
“That guy’s mate he, well he had a n=knife. I’m sorry Lauri, I couldn’t……he was too strong,”
“Hey!Hey Aki, not your fault! Hey,” I stroked his face again as a tear fell down his cheek. The swelling was now less noticeable.
“Why’d you do it?”
“What?”
“Hit him,” Aki poured himself a drink from the water pitcher and handed another to me.
“He was bragging bout how he hit you with the bottle. Like I said to him, you hit my friends, I’ll hit you.”
He stared at me then shot up as Eero walked in.
“God you are two are so cute.” He winked at me as my lit on fire,
“Hit your head or something Eero?” Aki asked innocently, He turned to me. “I’ll be back, I gotta go phone the manager and tell him you’re okay.” He kissed me on the forehead and walked out. I raised a hand to it.
“Ahem…..”
I jumped realising Eero was there and he simply rolled his eyes at me.
“What?”
“You, bloody Lintu. Gonna tell hi soon or what?”
“No, it’s break-up the band if we were….you know.”
He jumped up and down and laughed, “Finally you admit it!”
“I…I….” I paused quickly going over what I’d just said. “You bloody…..”
“Oh come on, just tell him, it wouldn’t hurt the band.”
Aki suddenly reappeared and brushed some of my hair from my forehead,
“Now we can see you!” He said laughingly.

I can’t even remember the next weeks, being in the hospital with the stitches and the needles freaked me. Soon I was home, well Aki’s home. Sp he could look after me, I guess he still felt bad. I laughed when I saw it, so orderly and green.
“Wow, it’s just like you Aki.”
He blushed and showed me the room I’d be staying in.
“Sorry but do you mind if I just get some sleep, I’m beat.”
“Sure, I see you tomorrow.”
He shut the door and I collapsed on the bed and fell asleep instantly. When I woke it was dark and I experimentally moved my body.
“Ow, mental note don’t sleep hanging off bed.”
I got up to relieve myself and heard a faint snuffling from Aki’s room. I opened it and looked in.
The moonlight highlighted the creases of the bed and I let my eyes travel upwards until I saw his face. He was crying, sobbing into the pillow. He sat up and saw me.
“Lauri I…..”
He shook his head and put it in his hands. He wiped away the tears and pulled the covers round him. I don’t think Id ever seen something so sad, it was like he was the child now. Not me, I walked over to him and pulled his head to my chest. He tears formed a wet patch but I didn’t care.
“Ssshh, what’s wrong?”
“I couldn’t stop him.”
“What?”
“He stabbed you Lauri and I just stood there! I couldn’t move, even when they ran off I just stood there,”
“Hattu, don’t worry. Please don’t.”
“Lauri, this sounds odd but…,.stay with me?”
“I nodded and pulled him under the covers wrapping my arms round him, his breathing eased and I knew he was asleep. I nuzzled my head into his neck and let sleep wash over me.

“Lauri?”
I opened my eyes and saw Aki’s head close to mine. When I realised we were in a bed and snuggled up it took me quite a while to remember last night.
“Yeah?”
“We got to get up.”
“Juts a little longer, It’s comfy.” I leant again him breathing him in.
“Comfy it may be, but we need to get up.”
He moved away and I sat up too and rubbed my eyes and watched him as he plodded round the room.
“What?”
He stopped noticing I was looking, “Nothing.”
“Hmmm, I don’t like grumpy Aki.”
He rolled his eyes and then pulled on a t-shirt.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
“Ooh breakfast in bed! Yay!”
“No, you come down and eat it, I’ll cook though. I still remember the “Cheese on toast incident.”
“Hey, I didn’t know you had top grate it!”
“The slices were three inches thick.”
“Oh fine,”
“English breakfast coming up,”
He walked out of the room and I opened my mouth to protest but thought better of it as I searched for my clothes.
As I walked down the smell of frying food hit my nostrils, my mouth watered as I tried to think of the last time I had fried breakfast. I drew a blank.
“Oh Ville’s on mtv, just go in I’ll serve them up.”
I laughed and slumped on the couch watching HiM,
“You’re quite similar you know.” He placed the food in front of me and I shoved half of it in my mouth without chewing,
“Breath okay?”
I swallowed it then grabbed the water and drank deeply, “How?”
“What? Okay I know your gob ain’t small…..”
I hit him with a pillow and ate some more, “No how are we alike?”
“Well, both Rock stars, both wear make-up, both wear that dodgy hat??”
“Oh ha ha,”
“You both do that as well!” He said pointing at the screen, I watched as he pulled an invisible trigger.
“I guess we do.”
“You both have this kinda presence too, everyone knows you.”
“Plus all the screaming girly fans.”
He nodded at me and smiled as I groaned.
“Who’s nicer looking?”
He started at the meal in front of him,
“Well?”
“Hard to tell….”
“You bloody….” I started before he silenced me with another cushion.
“You, idiot. I was trying to stop you being big headed.”
“Aah too late for that!”
“You’re not big headed, thick headed maybe.”
“You are evil, you know that?”
“Of course.”
I leant back savouring the taste and smiled at him.
“Nice, you’re a good cook.”
“Well, you hadn’t eaten properly in a while. You’re wasting away.”
“A few weeks….”
“No, you haven’t been right in ages.”
“Yes I have, just been busy.”
“Listen,” He placed both our plates on the table and took my hand. “I can’t say I’ve know you for ages but I do know you. Something is the matter, I know it.”
“Aki, please just leave it.”
“No, Lauri tell me!”
I took my hand a way and stood up, “I just…..nothing.”
“What?”
“Aki, have you ever felt so much about someone that they are always on your mind, night and day they’re haunting you? Every night you dream of them. That’s they’re all round you choking you, and you know you’ll never have them……”
I paused and he looked at the floor.
“Yeah.”
“Oh right, sorry. Girlfriend. I remember.”
“No.”
“What?”
“Not her, she was…… I dunno. It wasn’t her, isn;’t her to be correct.”
“Well then. That’s whets wrong with me, I can’t……”
Shaking my head I sat down again, not daring to look at him as my eyes would reflect my inner turmoil I knew. Before I could stop them, the tears fell down my cheeks no matter how much I tried to stop them.
“Lauri?”
He pulled me closer and rested my head on his chest again. It was like I was a child again, being comforted by my mother. But Aki wasn’t that, I snuffled into his chest for what seemed like ages and the pulled away slowly to look up at him.
“You’re eye.”
“What?”
I took off his glasses, “It’s better, when did that happen?”
“Huh?”
I shook myself then put his glasses on his lap.
“They don’t suit you, really.”
“Thanks a lot!” He said laughing and I smirked at him,
“You can’t see your eyes behind them.”
“But I need them to see!”
“No you hide behind them,”
“Like you hide behind these?” He asked innocently, pulling at the feathers. “Lintu.”
“Hey, that hurt.”
“No it didn’t, you’re right though. I do hide behind them. Fine I’ll get some contacts, happy?”
“Yeah,”
“We’ll have to move.”
“I’m comfy,”
“I’m not.” He wriggled a little and I lifted my head to give him back his arm, I don’t know what it was about that exact moment. Whether it was his cheesy grin, or his sparkling eyes but all my self control disappeared. I leant forward and kissed him gently. I sat away from him, looking at a particular piece of thread that was unravelling on my pants.
“Lauri?”
Oh god no what.
“Yeah?”
“The person, you were talking about before……….was it me?”
“Yeah, sorry. Look if it’s awkward I’ll go and stay with Pauli if you want. Or my parents….” I stood sadly and walked towards the door.
“Wait!” He leapt up quickly, grabbing my wrist. I twisted round and winced at the pain.
“What?”
He seemed to pause as if uncertain as what to the leant in towards me brushing a stray hair from my cheek. His gaze flickered to mine as he wobbled slightly then leant forward and gently kissed me.


A few weeks later

“Guy’s come on!”
We pulled apart sheepishly at Eero’s urgent call. We were on in a few minutes and I couldn’t wait, this was the first gig after our little “announcement”,
“Do we have to do this, can’t we just….”
“No Aki, fan’s remember, and no smooching till later.”
“Aww….” He pouted and I pushed him towards the drums.
“Don’t be a minx, now move it!”
He grinned and the curtains opened revealing rows and rows of fans.
“I didn’t know they were here yet,” I whispered to Eero. The singing began and I started to relax, everyone was singing and cheering thank god. Then I saw him, a shadowy figure at the side of the stage. Not a roadie, he was just standing there. Then he moved and I saw the glint at the side of him.
I knew I should’ve moved, it went over and over in my head move but I couldn’t. He stepped onto the stage and I heard the music stop, all I heard behind me was the crash of drums as Aki scrambled from behind them.
He came closer and raised the knife, I heard the crowd gasp as one. I closed my eyes awaiting the clod bite of the blade but it never came, I heard screaming and opened my eyes. Then I realised, the screaming was me. As I looked down I saw a bunch of guys dragging the man away and looked down. I’ve never felt as bad as I did in that instant. My heart felt like someone had ripped it out. There on the floor was Aki, eyes wide and lifeless as the bald glinted out of a deep wound in his chest. Then it was black, all black as I fainted.

There we go, that’s how I destroyed the band. Just cause Id hit some guy. Just cause his mate was a lunatic, all these things add up to where I am now,. In a bathroom razor hovering above my arm. I can’t think, I’ll just bring it closer and I won’t have to. I can’t live without you, I can’t. I’m ending it all….now.

Since you've been gone I’ve been alone
feeling untied and free
no more crying on the phone
no more slavery
end of the misery I’m breaking free
since you've been gone things have come so clear to me
just wanna shout cause I’m able to breathe
ooooooh, since you've been gone I’ve been free
since we crashed and fell apart
we've been history
since we trashed this dying love
no more agony, no
end of the misery I’m breaking free

Lyrics taken from “since you’ve been gone” by the Rasmus